AH3 #1250
Vagitarian, Day Old Fish, and Free Meat
Two Hot Tamales and a Fish
12/24/06

Night prior to hash:

DAY OLD FISH sat having "one more beer" with the Asian Mafia and surfing the net. The gospel according to FISH - Google has great aerial maps for scouting trail. Unfortunately he had one beer too many (or just enough) and he forgot to print his "scouting" map out.

Fast-forward to Christmas Eve, hash-time, 1 pm, Balcones District Park, 23 hounds assembled in the rain and 46 degree weather with no hares. Due to lack of planning, all morning was spent laying trail and trying to find a way to get to the predetermined end of trail. After showering and recollecting themselves at Chon Som, hares finally arrived at the start around 130.

The pack hung out for a while before starting out, and good thing too because BABY G had to call 200 times for directions. Chalk talk involved no flour and no one listening anyway after being informed that there were no blow-jobs on trail. So much for the Christmas Spirit – bah humbug! Trail immediately took off into the park and into knee-deep water – but of course trail was dog friendly! Hares lie SMUT MUTT! Poor HITLER! At least he tried to keep the puppy dry! But, everyone who wasn't hugging a tree, thorns, or poison ivy (yet ANOTHER lie!) ended up in the water before the first beer check! To sooth their ruffled feathers some of the pack tried to get a nut on trail: hounds MISS NEW BOOTIE (one stolen headed nut), DEAD WHORE DAVE (detachable headed nut), and PORK MY PUSSY (all headless nuts) were sorely disappointed.

Beer check #1 was at the Hideout, where BABY G and MISS NEW BOOTIE finally managed to find us still dressed in their pajamas. PORNAROTTI was spinning everyone imaginable except PORK MY PUSSY who apparently knew the game and wasn't playing around fireman style. PADRE's cheek got pollinated on trail and decided that wasn't enough for one afternoon so he crawled into BONE SUCKER's coat for some more action.

Trail took off from there up the railroad tracks and through the toll road construction on Mopac/1325. Then it was east to @SSGAGGER's locked and gated apartment complex for beer check #2, which was really a Bailey's and Cream Poof check! Some interesting gate maneuvering had to occur to obtain access, but no obstacle is big enough to keep hashers from alcohol! PORNAROTTI was so distressed by this that he left his ass print on the hoods of all the wankers' cars. Luckily, JUST BAD JIMMY gave him some manscaping advice before sending him back out on trail.

Trail headed up toward the I-35 access road, but after losing the chili hat to PORNAROTTI, BONE SUCKER didn't feel like going that far and headed for a beer at Chon Som. DEAD WHORE DAVE and TWISTED FISTER joined in and got a map in chopsticks to the end from I PEE FREELY. Predictably, no one could hold still enough and the map was destroyed, so they had to wing it to Katherine Fleisher Park where the five-o was waiting out front. Luckily they were just making contracted rounds! Ever wondered exactly what people mean when they say things like, "OH!! You're BONE SUCKER!!!"??? Surely it was ALL true, especially if it was bad.

Prior to circle, hounds enjoyed the fantastic tamales associated with VAGITARIAN haring a trail, the usual orange food and hash sandwiches, and hot chocolate laced with strychnine as proven by how fast it ate the candy cane stirrers. In an effort to stay warm, subject for conversation of course turned to sex. JUST KAY demonstrated the perfect height for delivering blowjobs and begged for sex on trail, but apparently she doesn't know about shrinkage. Not one to be outdone, @SSGAGGER got explicit tap-tap-push hand-job instructions from VAGITARIAN, but they couldn't find any takers either. SQUEEF bragged about sexual positions he hasn't tried yet. ALL SHAFT NO HEAD demonstrated all of the ways one could or could not be determined as gay. The pack was left baffled by his wet crotch and otherwise dry clothing. PORNAROTTI offered a live demonstration of a throat massage on ASNH. The foreplay was over when SMUT MUTT informed the pack that they were only allowed to bag two hashers per season.

Properly chastised (not really, but he didn't bring any riding crops!) the pack circled up and toasted "G". ALL SHAFT NO HEAD filled in for C'EM CUMMIN as RA and drank for the terrible weather; all former, present or even imaginary junta members joined him including SHE MUSSEL BITCH, THE BODY, PORNAROTTI and HIGH BEAMS. Hares FREE MEAT, VAGITARIAN, and DAY OLD FISH drank for their arid, winding, type O positive, hilly, shitty trail. Immediately the pack suggested renaming PORNAROTTI either COCKSUCKIUS, CHILI'S WATERBOY, PUSSY'S LITTLE BROTHER, PUSSYROTTI, STINKY CHILI, or SPITTER but it got tabled. FATHER SYPHILLIS had one for racing to the beer in his new sweet nectar carrying tennis shoes and BABY G for knowing the beer would be there and taking her sweet ass time. PADRE received a fleece sweatshirt for his 250th Austin hash. MISS NEW BOOTIE had some water in honor of JUST DAISY's hashaversary. Autowankers SQUEEF, JUST BAD JIMMY, JUST HEAD and partial autowankers MISS NEW BOOTIE and BABY G were next. Six-week wankers were BONE SUCKER (hashing elsewhere for 17 weeks), SQUEEF (sleeping for 10 weeks), VAGITARIAN (working at the Yellow Rose for 9 weeks – but they fired her `cause she won't flash, so she's back), WANKSGIVING (turning boys into ladies for 7 weeks), and MISS NEW BOOTIE (hiding in a pagoda for 6 weeks). PORNAROTTI claimed he was a visitor from Memphis's dark side and did and Elvisesque ditty. SMUT MUTT tried to accuse a ton of people for new shoes and then drank for it but redeemed himself with plenty of Hashmas tunes. The racist JUST KAY had one for wearing a timer chip on her shoe for trail and the pointy guy PORNAROTTI, PADRE and MISS NEW BOOTIE joined her. On a mission from THE BODY, ALL SHAFT NO HEAD had a technology on trail down-down. @SSGAGGER suffered for her unfriendly neighbors in the gay community. BONE SUCKER drank for her half-mind and having to write the other half down. @SSGAGGER was treated to a rendition of "Donnie the Retard" for the genius which inspired her to don clean socks at her condo and then promptly stepping into a puddle. JUST ORLANDO paid for disappointing us all with his lack of face plants on trail and riding bareback. He tried to name himself BAREBACK MOUNTAIN or HORSE HUMPER, so he had another. The wallflowers WICKED ITCH OF THE YEAST, TWISTED FISTER, and DEAD WHORE DAVE consumed together and the pack swung low.

On-After to Chon Som for karaoke, debauchery and beer!

On-On!!
Bone Sucker