AH3 #1225
4th of July Trail with the 'Beams
Hign Beams and Keeper of the Beams
7/2/06

So, we pulled in to the hash with a few minutes to spare and got to listen to a deaf man offering a diatribe of how he didn't like lesbians in showers, I think his name was WELL HUNG, but he couldn't shut up long enough to tell me. ALL SHAFT, NO HEAD was celebrating independence with red, white and blue beer and happily sharing with harriettes who would let him cop a feel and heating objects up between BONE SUCKER's legs. Visiting hasher, BIG BLACK MAIL, offered tips on extra curricular money activities. (MASSIVE) SLUT SLINGER was running around in a completely borrowed outfit – each piece from a different person – "I'm too sexy for my…" wait, none of this is mine, I should just take it all off. VAGITARIAN was emulating Scooby Doo's sleuth tactics, but still couldn't sniff out any beer (Ruh, roh Raggy!) THE BODY finally had pity on BONE SUCKER and gave her one. INSTANT REPLAY and (Austin's) RAM ROD were handing out miniature riding crops for our post-hash pleasure. SHAFT gave chalk talk to an imaginary group of virgins which included markings for song checks and whistle checks, and we were off on the trail brought to us by HIGH BEAMS, SHAFT, KEEPER OF THE BEAMS, toilet paper, Aunt Flow, and promises of blow jobs on trail.

True trail went through an open house next to the Beams', but no one went there, even though I'm fairly sure they won't be making a sale based on the riffraff in the neighborhood! HITLER drug SMUT MUTT off into the woods almost as soon as the trail started –dog must be in heat - and BODY and TRY A FUCK weren't far behind sneaking into the nearby Middle School – maybe they're in heat, too! BABY G was sporting her new happy pants – hope they REALLY make her happy!!! Hell, if they work well, we should get the haberdasher to secure all the harriettes some! MR. PIBB sang us a song about footprints in the sky and mushrooms, but it didn't make much sense, maybe I had to be in a different frame of mind! Poor JUST ISABELLA got a lesson early about how ears are out of reach when you're riding from behind. LITTLE BUNNY POO POO demonstrated for us proper handle usage. Trail went every direction from one check which scattered the pack and left BONE SUCKER the perfect opportunity to take a nap under a tree – luckily no Sharpies came out this time. WICKED ITCH OF THE YEAST woke her up rustling up to a huge port-a-potty in the sky, parading as a deer stand. The non-napping hashers got to the first beer check to find no beer – they had beaten the hares there. While they wept, BONE SUCKER caught up, much more frisky for the napping, but still unwilling to take PINATA PORKING ORCA up on the dead whore proposal. CADAVER DIVER's flop house is sounding much more alluring! The DFLs met SMUT MUTT and HITLER at the first beer check – apparently they were accidentally on trail. The FRBs were disappointed by beating the hares to the second beer check also (hello, learning curve!!) and wept there too; the rest of the pack called themselves SCBs and missed the second check altogether. Instead we all went to check out HIGH BEAMS' great rack (of ribs that is!)

Before circle, we all grubbed on some FANTASTIC fare: chicken, salad, rice, chips, and I don't know what else because my stomach was ready to explode – we almost didn't have room for beer (who am I kidding? There's always room for JELL-O, no! I mean BEE-ER!) WANKSGIVING offered his cactus removal services… with his teeth as his only weapon (there's something to catch on video – worth $10,000!) RAINBLO NOT SO BRIGHT tried to make a Woodbury sandwich, but JUST JAMIE and VAGITARIAN weren't having it. SHAFT, BONE SUCKER, C'EM CUMMIN and a few other brave souls dared the lightning to use them as rods by swimming in the storm, but most others wisely waited it out, chowed down, told stories and drank beer. Finally, the weather gave us a break and we circled up in the infamous pool. Except for TORN ANAL SORE ASS REX who was going for TUCK IT UP THE BUTT's GOTA title with his frilly umbrella while hiding from the rain.

The hares, HIGH BEAMS, KEEPER OF THE BEAMS, and ALL SHAFT drank for their shitty trail. Virgins were JUST ISABELLA, JUST BECCA, and JUST CURT. Visitors BIG BLACK MAIL, CHPACABRA, LITTLE BUNNY POO POO, PINATA PORKIN ORCA, PUSSY ON A ROPE, ROTTEN CHERRY and WELL HUNG shared a down-down. Six-week wankers were BEAVER CLEAVER, CADAVER DIVER, HEAVIN' SEMEN, INSTANT REPLAY, JUST JAMIE, KEEPER OF THE BEAMS, MR. PIBB, RAM ROD, and TITS ARE FOR TRICKS. FRB was MINNESOTA BUTTHOLE; DFL was RAM ROD. Celebrating birthdays were BABY G and BONE SUCKER. All DOTA, past and present, nominees had one, or twelve. BABY G and BONE SUCKER drank for something to do with "Floatie McFuck". EVERY OTHER DICK drank for a visit to the emergency room – after trying Kama Sutra positions in a public restroom and failing miserably! Hares drank for having a trail exactly as long as they said it would be. T-REX drank for trying to get all the hounds (male type) to change into kilts. (M)SS drank for a redhead addiction. CHERRY POPPER was accused of introducing the police to the hash. The pack swung low and some hung out for more debauchery in the pool and others headed off to be away from the Sharpies and DOTA nominations (hooray – I was still standing, just not well!)

On-On
BS